Now more than ever there is a wide variety of beer to be had.  Never have we seen so much availability of beer on such a massive scale.  Growth in technology allows for the shipping of of good, fresh beer to be had almost anywhere.  The worldwide web allows everyone to hear about, read about, and dream about buying this or that beer.  Yet our army is small (this military language is especially important for the fact that the “Beer Wars” movie comes out on April 16th).  But our conviction is great, our desire dreadful, and our thirst un-slakable.

But what about the populace at large?  What about those who are being fed upon by the tapeworm of the large-scale mega-breweries that dominate the beer industry?  I’m reminded of Nietzsche’s statement that religion is the opiate of the masses.  But I think he got it wrong.  Cheap, taste-neutral, and adjunct-filled beer is the cheap and inebriating opiate of the masses.  I don’t know if there has ever been a more contrary or contradictory time in human gastronomy than this time in American history.  We can eat any food from any place in the world, but we continue to get fat on fast food.  We can drink any wine or beer we want, but here we (most Americans) are drinking the same cheap swill.  Have we lost our conceptual framework for distinguishing good from bad, tastefulness for vapid insipidity, or special for hackneyed?  Maybe we have.

But if you are a regular reader of this blog or have read this far, I’m going to assume that you either like beer or are just morbidly curious about what is going to be said next.  Well, I won’t disappoint you by saying something that doesn’t seem eccentric.  Here it is: as people who enjoy good beer, we need to spread our message and convert those who are content to wallow in the mire and swill of the “common” breweries.

***Disclaimer*** I will occasionally drink a cheap beer at a ball game or graciously accept a cheap beer from a gracious host who is showing hospitality by offering me what (s)he has.  After all, it rarely pays to be a complete asshole all the time.  As Dave Chappell says (on his hilarious show), you got to pick your spots when it comes to keeping it real.

Back to the point at hand: here is a modest proposal to converting heathen drinkers and bringing them into the kingdom of taste.

Listen to them: this is the best, most ingratiating and endearing thing that you can do.  The starting point for creating beer converts is to find out about their experiences.  What beers have you had?  You tried a really dark beer and didn’t like it?  What would you think about a beer that is light like the one you drink?  Oh, really?–I started out not liking Stouts also.

Don’t push too far, too fast: Many people who “don’t like” beer or certain types of beer are products of well-intentioned people who ruined their perceptions of beer.  As people who drink IPAs (or whatever), we have to remember that our beer journey probably did not start out with the darkest stouts and hoppiest IPAs. So, as you listen, offer something that only pushes a little.  If (s)he has tried Newcastle and liked it, offer a Samuel Smith’s or Rogue Nut Brown Ale.  Offer an Old Bruin or something that fits in but pushes the past experience a little.  If I see someone who has only had an extremely light Pilsner, then I often point the person to Duvel; I offer an extremely pale beer that fits the pre-existing visual sensory data but pushes the taste data.  Studies have been conducted and have shown that people perceived the exact same beer differently based on food color addition, so sight is important for people’s perceptions of beer.  On the other hand, something brilliant and colorful can excite the beer drinker.  I don’t know how many women (and guys for that matter) have told me that they don’t like beer.  I’ve had them try a Framboise Lambic, and the argument was over.  Point being the world of beer is wide and deep and there is something for everyone.

Buy it for them and drink it with them. This may be the best thing you can do for the neophyte beer drinker.  You have graciously offered the person a beer to drink, and you can share the experience together. Maybe some of us are just certifiably insane when it comes to beer, but we have to share this passion with a world that is missing out on the true beauty of beer.  If you’re insane like me, I encourage you to make beer converts of your friends.  Nothing too confrontational.  Nothing too absolute.  Just a simple ear to lend, suggestion to give, and beer to buy and enjoy with them.

One last suggestion.  There is a movie coming out called Beer Wars.  Find a way to watch this movie with friends–and take them out for a beer afterwards.