Stop.  Go back and sing the title of this post to the tune of Eminem’s “will the real slim shady please stand up.”

Ok, now we’re ready to talk beer…A while back I wrote a confessional of an article that proposed that many of the beloved beer reviews floating across the Internet are laden with bovine excrement, and that I, for one, have a hard time taking many of them seriously.  Mosey on over to and read through any number of craft beers, and note that the point spread is very minimal between beers.  Now head on over to beer advocate and you’ll note that if the majority of the reviews were missing the name of the beer in question, you’d have a hard time pinpointing the style.  It’s “caramelly this” and “hoppy that” on nearly every review.  And the spread of opinions can be drastic per beer.  One beer dudette rates it a C-, next beer dude rates it A+.

This disparate trove of opinion and rate are as noticeable in the beer blogosphere, only there’s a little more ego involved.    What makes a guy or gal a “beer expert” these days? Apparently $49.99 in self hosting fee, a little php/html knowledge, a big mouth, and a fridge full of beer.

Yes, I know…beer is subjective TO A POINT.  I mean, if someone hates IPAs, it would be unfair for them to pick up an IPA from some well known, quality brewery and flunk the poor beer despite the fact that it was produced with quality ingredients and labor, and is without error.  Sometimes, I read through the comments of a beer review and for some reason and am weirded out that all the “experts” seem to have a different opinion.  I just wish they would admit that there are objective elements of a brew.

I propose we need a real beer expert…you know, the type who speaks from an ivory tower, whose authority is recognized, who is objective in reviewing a beer and the industry, but isn’t a jerk.  The wine industry has them (though their getting lost in the fray).  The food industry has them?  Is it so horrible that we should not?  I know a few people reading this are, at this point, irritated and busting out their “Don’t Tread On Me” flag.  But please, keep reading…you are just as valid (in my opinion) as the non-beer-expert writing this article.  All I desire is another Michael Jackson (The Beer Hunter) who we can all revere, who we can compare our beer notes with, and who, if needs be, can be an authority in cases of general dissent.

As a guy who would like to open a brewery someday, I’d love to have this figure around to honestly dissect a future brew of mine.  I suppose in his absence I could randomly send samples to the mass of bloggers and/or high ranking members of the Alstrom Brothers’ site, and, while I’d be sure to nail at lest a few home run reviews, it just wouldn’t compare to the accolade (or constructive criticism) that would come from the expert.  The community that is formed via beer rating sites is beyond valid, as is their input…it is just to varied for the likes of this guy.  And while I am a beer blogger, I’m not (at this point) the next Michael Jackson.  I know a heck of a lot about beer, true, but I am not prepared to be that voice of beer authority.